THE BEAR FORMERLY KNOWN AS MARCO
The day after his birthday the bear formerly known as Marco woke up around 3:45am. He looked at the computer, saw no emails from his girlfriend, and went back to bed. He could not sleep. It had been a hard night of drinking. His claws were dull, his fur mussed and smelling of smoke and whiskey. The bear formerly known as Marco needed to talk to someone. Anyone. He sat back at the computer in his underwear, navigated to a chat room for insomniacs, and began chatting with a child star that was no longer popular due to puberty.
“God I felt fucked today,” the bear formerly known as Marco typed. "There are so many details I want to notice in the world, but don't."
"Like what?" asked the child star now going through puberty.
"A woman passing a comb through her daughter's hair, embroidered gowns, the darkness of the water's edge."
"That's beautiful," said the child star now going through puberty.
Someone named Nd2Slp304 typed: U 2 R gay.
"I wanted to fall asleep tonight, but I couldn't," said the child star now going through puberty.
“I need to fall asleep,” said the bear formerly known as Marco. “I know it will happen any second now," he said. "I will just fall down and sleep.”
“I like to play video games in the dark,” said the child star now going through puberty. “I like to kill people for hours but then I get bored. I know there are people that get up everyday, and do things,” he said. "I think they do not have trouble sleeping."
“I’m going to eat a bowl of Rice Crispies," said the bear formerly known as Marco. He tried to think of something beautiful: the overhanging trees outside his window; a branch, cracked and hanging from a storm; a red bucket turned on its side.
"They fix things," said the child star now going through puberty, "like cars, and fax machines, and copiers. They carry in the evening paper and sweep up the birdseed when it has spilled. There are men working in icy seas; women, restless at the kitchen table, cooking dinners for families."
"I get things done," said the bear formerly known as Marco. "Just this morning I ate a bowl of cereal. And now I am eating another." More beautiful thoughts: the elongated colors of a rainbow; a tropical village after a soft rain; a splash of cold water running toward his elbow.
"And I am getting very good at it," he said. "I think I am becoming poetic."
"Never mind being poetic," said the child star now going through puberty. "They write books. They make trendy movies about Global Warming and Biodiversity."
"What is biodiversity?" The bear formerly known as Marco had his ear to the bowl of cereal. He thought about making some of those squares with the melted marshmallows but then thought better of it. "Besides, writing books brings in no money."
"Books get made into movies," said the child star now going through puberty, "and movies make money."
"Are you making a lot of money making movies right now?" asked the bear formerly known as Marco.
"That is not a fair question," said the child star now going through puberty. "I am going through puberty."
“We are the fucked generation,” said the bear formerly known as Marco.
"I am not in your generation," said the child star now going through puberty.
“I’m laughing,” said the bear formerly known as Marco.
"I did not mean it as a joke," said the child star now going through puberty.
"You are ugly," said the bear formerly known as Marco. "I saw a picture of you in People magazine last week. What has happened to your face?"
"I'm going through a growth spurt."
The bear formerly known as Marco typed LOL. And then: ROTFL. And then: WTF? Is this a picture of you with Cher? Is she still alive?
"That was not me," said the child star now going through puberty, "that was a fictional character."
"It looks like you," said the bear formerly known as Marco.
"I was playing a part."
"You know what they say," said the bear formerly known as Marco, "you are what you pretend to be."
"Contrary to what you might think," said the child star now going through puberty, "I am not a fictional character."
"I make a living stealing batteries," said the bear formerly known as Marco.
"That doesn't surprise me," said the child star now going through puberty.
“I’m alone,” the bear formerly known as Marco said. “What would happen if I started a drug habit?”
“You would kill yourself in a panic attack and die a lonely bear."
"I am not a bear anymore."
"What do you mean? You can't just decide you are not a bear if you are a bear. Once a bear, always a bear."
“Are you sure?” said the bear formerly known as Marco.
“I think we are going insane,” said the child star now going through puberty.
"I think it's from not being around people," said the bear formerly known as Marco. "We are starting to live inside ourselves, inside of our own mental illness.”
"I am not insane," said the child star now going through puberty.
"You were in that movie where you could see dead people," said the bear formerly known as Marco.
"Are you unable to see things as they really are? Do you always confuse reality with fantasy?"
The bear formerly known as Marco thought for a moment. "When I was sitting in that movie theater, and I was watching you on the screen, and for that hour and a half you were the little boy who could see dead people. Was that not my reality for that hour and a half?"
The child star now going through puberty sighed. "I'm going to eat a peanut butter sandwich," he said. "The world tells too many lies. It’s better to be honest like you,” he said.
“I’m alone,” said the bear formerly known as Marco. “I have no friends.”
The child star now going through puberty said, “It was mean of you to call me ugly. Do you intend to apologize?”
“I do not intend to apologize,” said the bear formerly known as Marco. He thought of picking up his pen and writing some of this down, but did not.
"Soon I will be a grown man," said the child star now going through puberty. "I have made many movies. I'm not a baby anymore. I am going to college to fill my time until I become handsome again and then I will become an action hero. Or the star of a dramatic comedy that tells the stories of young doctors and their love lives but in a peculiar fashion."
The bear formerly known as Marco was silent. A woman's bonnet, a bow undone with a light tug; a fabric parted in two; mother of pearl buttons opening down the back.
"You will always be a bear," said the child star now going through puberty.
"Thank you," said the bear formerly known as Marco. "I think I can sleep now."
"You're welcome," said the child star now going through puberty. "Dream of Dakota Fanning."
The bear signed off the computer and went to bed. He dreamed of being in a country where no one understood his language, like Mexico. He dreamed his chest exploded. He dreamed of doing push-ups and leg lifts, blood pooling near the edges, unseen contours, an elevated bank overlooking a secreted path.
He awoke the next morning to the sound of his alarm and began to brush his hair. The child star now going through puberty was gone. There was nothing else to do.