BEAR AESTHETICS
In a forest in Alaska there existed a Sloth bear. This bear found himself consumed by the notion of truth, but moreover, consumed with the idea of aesthetic truth; of an absolute ugly and an absolute pretty. The other bears in the forest, the Browns and the Blacks and the Asiatics, told him he was making too much of it, that deploying the idea of aesthetic truth commits oneself to the existence of an aesthetic reality, which was possible only in one mindset, but not as a whole. But this bear remained convinced that there were absolute correct and incorrect judgments of ugly, or at least, that some judgments of ugly and pretty were definitely better than others. And furthermore, he was certain that a Sloth was better suited to pass on these absolutes than any other bear he knew.
The Sloth bear set about to prove that he was right, being convinced that he could provide the absolute by writing a book on the subject. The bear conducted scientific research and concluded that in order to be considered pretty in an absolute reality, a bear should have a shaggy coat, preferably black, with a reddish animal following a close second. Furthermore, any bears presenting a noticeable whitish or cream-colored U shaped patch on their chest should be considered untouchable, as should those whose dark fur was interspersed with whitish or grayish strands. The fur covering the neck and part of their shoulders should be smooth and not rough and the belly and underlegs should be nearly bare. Large, floppy ears were tolerable but a smaller ear was preferable. Sickle-shaped, deeply curved claws were an abomination, and all young female bears who found themselves with such claws should receive plastic surgery before their third birthday lest parents of said bears would find themselves and their daughters as social outcasts.
Unfortunately, not everyone agreed with the Sloth's aesthetics and while the less-than-favorable corporate publishing giants i.e., the "rag sheets," gleefully agreed to publish his findings, the independent and mainstream markets were steadfast in refusing to publish what they considered "slanderous" and “hurtful” writings. So the Sloth decided to play unfairly by capturing all of the mainstream publishing markets, bribing publishing houses and doing all sorts of unethical, illegal and stupid shit to shut out the other independent bear writers and independent magazines who had opinions about what was ugly or pretty and wanted to make a difference in the world and have a chance at having their own say.
The other bears felt left out of the process. The Browns and the Blacks banded together and formed a coalition. They responded with criticism of the Sloth bear's book. The Sloth retaliated by writing an editorial in which he stated that the Browns and Blacks could "dispute the arguments I make with counter-arguments, but it's a bit ridiculous to take the whole thing personally." The Browns and Blacks said the Sloth was turning a simple criticism or disagreement into an existential threat. The Sloth did not know what the Brown and Black coalition meant by "existential threat," but he said that was precisely the sort of thing the Republicans were so good at doing. The coalition called this a distortion of truth. Things fell apart soon after this. There were negotiations, a cease fire, a temporary peace treaty, and a convention held where absolutes were discussed and debated. Comparisons between bear species were analyzed by a neutral third party, the moose, who considered all bear species ugly but took the job to pay for the breast augmentation her agent said was necessary if she wanted to stay competitive in the swimsuit modeling industry.